


How to Acquire Minions for Stress and Concern

by TiedyedTrickster



Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, accidental cryptid snatcher, ahit 'coffee shop au', cross posting from tumblr, welcome to the snult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:47:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24992545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiedyedTrickster/pseuds/TiedyedTrickster
Summary: Luka nips into the woods near his job for a bit because he can't hold onto his human form any longer (thanks again for that curse,Vanessa), but it's cool, it's fine, not like he's going to run into anyone while he looks like a furry snake monster-(Spoilers: yes he is)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 74





	How to Acquire Minions for Stress and Concern

**Author's Note:**

> Set in Mak's ahit 'coffee shop au' from tumblr, the master post of which is [here](https://doodledrawsthings.tumblr.com/post/621678847941836800/artisticdoodler-doodledrawsthings-so-uh#notes) if you want a deeper look.

Luka ducked behind the nearest tree with a sigh of relief – he’d just made it into the forest before the transformation had taken him completely. Now all he had to do was wait a bit until the mere _thought_ of making himself look human again didn’t make his… whatever he was made out of in this form ache, and he could get back to the apartment and make sure Harriet knew he was okay. For the moment, though, best to move a little deeper into to Subcon forest, make sure he wasn’t spot-

“Holy _crap_!”

He turned with a jerk and found himself almost nose to nose with a shocked looking… probably teenager? They stared at each other a moment before nature reasserted its unyielding order and the screaming started.

…if questioned later, he was going to deny that he was the one who screamed louder.

In the meantime, the teenager (was it even _legal_ to be a teenager if you were still that small (…he needed to go over some legal texts again, at least _pretend_ he still believed they’d find a solution to this, if only for Harriet’s sake)), took several steps backwards before going flying straight up into the air, which… definitely not normal. Oh, wait, no, completely normal, the kid had apparently found one of Mu’s ‘Snatcher traps’ the old-fashioned way – by activating it.

…he was also going to blame how this turned his screaming into laughter on nerves, because he was a respectable(ish) lawyer with a daughter and would certainly never laugh at something like this, no matter how funny it was, especially not to the teen’s face-

“I fell right into your trap, didn’t I?!”

“F-!” _Luka Thatcher Princeton, you are a father and you will NOT swear in front of someone that small!_ “-OOOOOOOOOOOOOL, YES, YES YOU DID!” _THAT WAS NOT BETTER!!!!!_ “So, um. Yes. You’re my prisoner, so you have to do what I say now, or I’ll… um-”

“Eat my soul?!?”

“WHAT?!? No- I mean, um, yes, I mean,” he paused and narrowed his eyes at his ‘captive,’ “You’re seeming awfully enthusiastic about being captured by some forest monster that may or may not be planning on consuming your soul.”

“That’s because I’m your loyal minion, Mr. Snatcher, sir!” the teen tried to squirm more upright in the net so they could face him better, but succeeding more in just spinning the entire contraption gently around.

“…my what?”

“Your loyal subject, Subconite 24!” the teen reported cheerfully, “But mostly people call me Cherry. Honoured to meet you, sir!”

Well that- that was- “I’m not going to remember that. And you can’t be my minion! Or my servant or subject or any other synonym you can think of!”

The teen actually _drooped_ (at least, as well as they could from within the net trap), “Aw, why _not_?”

“Uhhh…” somehow he got the feeling that ‘because I don’t want any minions’ wasn’t going to cut it with this kid, “Because you haven’t signed a contract agreeing to abide by my rules! Can’t be a minion without a whole lot of paperwork, very tedious.” When in doubt, make things sound as boring and legal as possible – Harriet might be onto this ploy of his, but most people didn’t pick up on it, especially if they were under twenty.

“I’ll sign anything you want me to, Mr. Snatcher, sir!”

“That’s great, kid,” Luka growled, rubbing his forehead with one hand and gesturing with his other, “But it’s not like I have any pockets, so where exactly do you expect me to get a contract for you to be my minion and do my dirty work fro-” A puff of smoke in front of the teen’s face and an honest-to-god _scroll_ dropped into their lap, leaving Luka to wonder yet again exactly _what the peck_ was in whatever Vanessa had slipped him to land him in this mess- “HEY, WAIT, AT LEAST READ IT FIRST-!”

His self-proclaimed minion looked up just in time to finish signing the contract he’d apparently magicked into being (because of _course_ they had a pen with them, why wouldn’t they, this was _his_ life after all). “Is that an order?”

No, it was _common sense_! “…yes, it is, always read your contracts before signing them from now on.”

“You got it, boss!” They rolled up the scroll again and stuck it through the net for him to take. As soon as it was in his hand, it vanished, so that meant he was going to spend a fun night trying to figure out how to make it reappear so he could find out what he had apparently _coerced a minor_ into doing for him-

Wait, no, the teen is a teen, no adult witnesses, that meant the contract wasn’t legally binding, so that would… probably do absolutely nothing to help convince the teen they weren’t now his official minion. Peck. Well, might as well make the most of it- “Ahem, yes, I’m your boss now. So I’m going to let you down and you’re going to go straight home and _not tell anyone about this_! Got it?”

‘His minion’ wilted and shot him a pleading look. “Not even Lance? Please, boss?”

…why were they _so small_ , he was too much of a dad for- “Okay, fine, but you can _only_ tell Lance! Now stay still, I’m letting you go.”

“You got it, boss!”

Luka heroically didn’t betray any hint of how he really felt about the situation and set to work on Mu’s knots (which would have been _so_ much easier if he had more than four digits total, he’d learned how to cope over the years, but _snod_ , what he wouldn’t give for thumbs in this form…). The whole contraption came loose in a rush, dropping the teen on the forest floor too fast for him to catch them. “…I did that on purpose.”

“Wouldn’t expect any less of you, boss!” they replied, standing and dusting themselves off, “You sure I can’t do anything else for you before I go home?”

“Nope, I’m fine, get going right now or I’ll… eat your soul for real?”

“Okay, got it!”

He watched them go, still looking far too chipper for someone who had just encountered, well… _him_ in a dark forest, let alone been threatened with soul consumption. At least they were gone now-

…he hadn’t ordered them to tell Lance not to tell anyone.

…

…at least he was feeling good enough to become human again long enough to get home, because he hadn’t needed to scream into his mattress this much in _years_ …

**Author's Note:**

> Cherry is Mak/doodledrawsthings's subconite OC, and since this is Mak's au, I decided to use them! The Lance mentioned is mindboogling's Subconknight in his 'coffee shop au' form. And, finally, w3akfish-draws drew a scene from this fic, which looks great and you can find [here](https://doodledrawsthings.tumblr.com/post/621298868540342273/w3akf1sh-draws-a-thing-based-off#notes)!


End file.
